Where’s the spot
My Mr T is still a scared and lonely little camper. He works really really hard, but just don’t get the break he so deserves. I keep on trying to him thinking positive, but it is hard for him. He is more of a glass half empty kinda person.
And when he gets freaked out he looses stuff. We are always on the hunt for keys, important documents, shades, wallets and all other pieces which are not permanently attached to his body.
I have tried to suggest he puts his stuff in one designated spot everyday. I think then forgets where his spot is.
Men……. you can never trust them to remember where the spot is can you?
Schweet Justice
Funny how life works sometimes. We don’t understand everything as things happen, but then later when we sit down with a glass of wine to contemplate life, all of a sudden we have a light bulb moment and we understand.
My Tarzan was so so so mad at me for going out and getting home in the early hours of the morning that he left on his business trip without saying good bye. In my book that is just unacceptable.
What if I died before he got to speak to me again? To tell you the truth that might also be part of the sweet justice. Then I have an excuse to haunt him for the rest of his life.
He gets where he is going. Still doesn’t phone me. So I go out for supper. Then of course he decides to phone …….. And the “fight” starts all over again.
What do you call a fight that comes from one side? Is there even a name for that? Anyway as they say I am already in trouble just digging in deeper. For what? The rebel inside me thinks maybe you want me to give you something to fight about. Maybe I should do something married women should not do?
I wont do that just yet. I just wish I can also get my little place in the sun to have fun with friends and not worry what my partner thinks I am doing things which I shouldn’t. Is that to much to ask.
Anyway the sweet justice part. He had to phone me cause he could not remember how to work the alarm at the house where he went. He had to speak to me. Obviously can’t live with me, and can’t live without me either ……. shame.
Girls Nights
Girls nights……….. They normally get me into beeeeeeeg trouble.
After a few drinks 11 or 12 is far to early to go home. After 12 I am in trouble at home, so then there is no stop. Trouble is trouble 1, 2 or 3 o’clock it doesn’t matter anymore.
I get home, eventually. Struggle with the gate to start off with. When I am finally inside the next challenge is the front door. It is really a challenge that early in the morning.
Once I am inside I know I have to be very quite. Tarzan is a light sleeper and the slightest noise wakes him up. Have you had a few drinks and tried to go around your house in the dark quietly.
Apparently you can’t. I walk into everything!!! Balance is also a problem after a few drinks.
Normally I just leave my clothes on the floor and get into bed as soon as possible.
In the morning I have to tread very very carefully. Mister will be in a bad mood. He did not sleep well, and I had fun. A few panados for me and a good massage for my man gets us back on track……….
Selling Me
I love my job. I really do. Trust me, I know what it is like to have a kak job. I’ve had many. But finally it seems I found my place in this world. I really like this job.
So, why am I writing about it? They have offered me a few rands extra to do weekends too. Obviously the money is more than welcome. For a while now it seems that my money just don’t stretch far enough.
So what’s the problem? I have a feeling I am selling my soul. I cannot be on call 24/7 for the salary they want to give me. Granted there are days that I am not busy. There are days that I work like a maniac too.
I just feel somewhere in between all of this I have to have me time. Time off. Family time. Whatever you want to call it.
The upside of being paid for weekends is that I am basically doing weekends since January already anyway. So, it would just be fair to get paid for it. But once you get paid for it, it is expected.
Am I selling my soul for a few rands? It’s too late anyway, I said yes.
I’m Back!!
Wow, it’s been a while…..
What happened……? Well, I spent a glorious few days in the beautiful Cape at the beginning of the month.
Seen everyone. Had some fun. Did stuff I had to do and put off for a long time. For the first time in many years I felt at peace when I finally flew back. I did not cry a single tear. The feeling was rather excitement to get home. I may just have been so tired that I couldn’t be bothered. But somehow, I think it wasn’t that. My family, well most of them, are now settled and seem to carry on with their lives without major hiccups over which I need to worry.
Also bear in mind that by the time I flew back home, Tarzan and I had not really seen each other for almost 3 weeks. So it is true, absence do make the heart grow fonder…….
The Cape is still the most beautiful place I have ever seen and one day, one day I will go and settle there. When my work here is done. But for now it is back to my normal routine.
Mr T and I both need to loose weight. That will be our mission the next few months. We have tried a few times. We both are emotional eaters. So, as soon as something throughs one of us off balance we just neva get back on track. This time I have to be strong. I have to get this right. For me and him. I am quite determined….. so here goes.
Today was supposed to be the first day……… He got up at 4 am cause he had to do stuff for work (he is a morning person). I attempted to get up to. “No, honey it is only 4 you stay in bed a little longer”, he tells me. Well, I need no encouragement at that time of the morning to get back in a warm bed rather than brave the cold of the morning.
I eventually got up at my normal 5:30, made the coffee. Mr T needs help with his presentation. I help, as always. Bottom line - neither of us had breakfast, cause by the time we got to shower I only had 15 minutes to get to work!!!!! Fuck………………
Still, be strong and don’t have a choclate for lunch. I will, I can, I will, I can………………………….
Spritual Journey
The last couple of days I spent some time alone. I don’t know if you can say I felt God’s presence in my life. But somehow I have been on a spiritual journey.
For the first time in a very long time I am calm inside. I am not at peace yet. (I still need to loose weight lol) But I am getting there. It feels like balance have been restored in my life.
I am not about to turn into an instant happy clapper over night. Grew up far to conservative for that. But I spent half the night praying. I feel lighter. Calmer. Balanced. At peace with me, and almost with the world I fight with so much.
Vows Renewed
Everyone who reads my rants every now and again knows that I have not been very happy for a while. My Tarzan and I “grew apart”, or so I thought. It hurt, but I was somehow ready to continue with my life apart from him, if I had to.
Recently thought we had our anniversary. A strange feeling for us since it has never been a big occasion. In fact, a few times we only remembered days later. And the occasion slipped by without any fuss or celebration.
This year, however, it was almost as if the anniversary of the day when we promised our love to each other made both of us ponder the relationship. We talked and talked, cried a little, talked, fought, screamed at times, cried more, laughed. And in the end we spent a glorious, fun filled weekend together.
We realised, I think, that both of us need to work harder on this relationship. Both of us were wrong in the past, both hurt the other dearly with actions and words. But most important of all we realised that we do love each other dearly. We don’t want to loose each other and we want to fight for this relationship.
I feel so happy tonight. So content in the knowledge that I am loved and that I love dearly. The thought that I know there is someone who will protect and care for me and for whom I will do the same calms my insides. Makes me smile. Gives me this feeling of utter and complete calm.
Babe, I love you more than words can say. More than the stars in the sky. More than the sand on the beach. More than anything in this whole wide world. Thank you for loving me just the way I am. For who I am. I once again promise to love and honour you ’till death do us part, hopefully in the far far distant future.
PS Hopefully from now on I can share with you the fun and laughter that the two of us experience together.
BGF
I read lots of blogs. When I have the time. But that is a story for another day.
On Doula Mel’s blog she mentioned Best Friends. I thought that would be a good change to my morbid subjects……
My first best friend in high school and I were inseparable. We did everything, absolutely everything together. To tell you the truth I would have been nothing without her. She is amazing. Sadly, as life happens we grew apart and have lives so far apart we cannot even try to pick up the pieces. She still lives in the little town where we went to school. She is married with three gorgeous babies and she is married to the guy we fell out about. No, I did not want him. Well, not when I’m sober…….
Long story, I was a student, she was a working girl. I went home to the little town I grew up in. We all got hopelessly sozzled. I snogged the guy she liked (which btw I did not know she liked)….. End of story.
We have kinda found each other on facebook, but as I said our lives are just so different right now, I don’t think we will pick up the pieces soon.
During my first year in Stellenbosch we had to stand in queues for ages in alphabetical order. It was horrible, the agony and humiliation. The girl behind me and I got talking (even though we were not supposed to lol). We still can’t stop talking. We supported each other through exams, breakups, fuckups, disasters, everything. When we see each other we shop, talk, drink, talk, share clothes, jewelry, makeup - everything!! Best of all, her and Mr T get along like a house on fire. And there is no-one on this earth I trust more than her. She is amazing, really.
Where I live now I have met some pretty amazing women.
There is the ex-model. I used to think she pretty amazing before I met her. Now that I have I think she is even more amazing. Like any person she has issues, but she knows what she wants, when she wants, how she wants and she gets it.
The blond - no walks over this girl. She is small in stature, but don’t cross her boy.
The chef - she is super woman, running more operations than I can count, a household, schedules………….
The purple haired one - well not all her hair, just a few strands, also a successful business under her belt, she seems to keep the group together, always telling me tomorrow will be better when I feel like giving up.
The hairdresser - this is one cool chick. Mommy, hairdresser, organiser or note - never a hair out of place, excuse the pun, always the perfect lady and in control.
The lawyer - the last time we got sozzled together she promised me a free divorce should I need it - no my friend not yet, but thanks for the offer.
The salon owner - yea another successful business person……… wow girls.
Writing this I just realised how blessed I am by all the friends who I have been blessed to meet and befriend, you guys are fabulous.
The Secret
I have found the secret to peace at home.
Shut up and stay out of it. He just wants to rant when he gets home. Let him get it off his chest.
The downside of this is that I don’t ever get a word in. That kills me LOL. I also take the risk of him thinking that by staying quiet I agree with him. Or worst I don’t have an opinion.
Now, that is just wrong, I always have an opinion. And mostly feel a need to express myself.
For now though, in the name of peace I keeping it all to myself….. Well I may tell it here, just because I can!!
To Stay or……. NOT?
Amazing how your seemingly happy and peaceful life can change in a second.
Tarzan and I had a big argument. Which started as a small domestic ended up in a huge crises in my life and marriage.
As said before he is not happy at work. This cause him to be very angry and sad and dare I say depressed. He is working on big plans of moving AGAIN and starting a life outside the borders of RSA.
The argument went as far as us considering splitting up!! All of a sudden I find myself considering that. I am at the point where I suspect it might be me causing his unhappiness. He feels responsible for me and his need to provide for the household. Yes he did take that responsibility when we got married, I guess. But I have always been willing to work and pay my own way. I am indeed a very independent person and found it extremely hard when I had to look him in the eye for my day to day expenses, even though he was very good about it and never made me feel like I was draining him. By design of his job we have mostly lived in company housing, which makes him the provider of a roof over our heads. I just don’t want to be a burden on him and his happiness.
Is there any truth in the age old saying of if you love something set it free? Will he come back to me if I set him free? Do I want him back? So many what ifs are going through my mind.
I don’t know. All I know is the last thing I want to be is a burden on the person I love the most in the whole world. Who has been my life for so long.
I am so sad. I never expected to ever have to make this choice.
I have always been up to moving and the new adventure. But this time I am just not. I am happy and content were I am now. When we came here I thought we were going to make our home here. Gosh, he was the one wanting to start a family and build our home here. He planned all of it. Of course plans change and you have to move with the cheese. I am well aware of that and prepared to do that.
Why then am I so against this? Firstly I am happy. I have found a nice job. I cannot maintain our lifestyle on my meagre income, but I do my bit in paying the bills and keeping the household going. I have made friends. Settled into a group of very nice people and like my life the way it is now. I have not been able to make friends and settle for a long time the way I have here.
Secondly, a move does not mean happiness for Mr T. That I know very well. How many times do we have to go through this again and again?
I am scared and sad. Very very sad.
