The number you have dailed……………….
I woke up in an unexplainable good mood. I was chatty as hell all morning. It was as if I was on something. Pinky promise I was not. Have not been to a party in ages.
I decided to spread the love and have come to the conclusion that I always have time for a chat and a coffee or a drink. Others may not. But I will make time for one.
My next realisation (mmmmmm today was a big day lol) was that T is doing stuff for me and the house. Where as before I did nothing. So now, is it because he is so damn guilty or is it because I am just a housemate as opposed to a wife/lover/friend to him that he is like this?
Is this how life works? If you act untouchable people want to touch you, so to speak of course.
Me, I am a touchy person. If I’m your friend I’m there. Right there. Beside you. Going through the steps with you. I am often the one who will sms first to see if you are ok. I will be at your house with my bottle of wine, as soon as I think you need it. Do I need to be more “unavailable”? Fuck life can be complicated.
I will still rethink this whole thing, but at the moment it is working fabulously at home. I may just continue.
Not really sure why I even attempt to write anything this morning. I feel bleh bleh “>bleh bleh.
I am really mad at T and therefore spent most of the weekend reading my book on my bed. Finished one I started in February!! About time I guess. I really don’t know how to approach T. He asked me to take a trip with him this week. Told him this morning that I’m not going. Still don’t trust myself for hours in the car with him. I might just spill my guts and it is not the right time yet.
I miss us terribly, but this time I have to be strong. It will be the easy way out for him and me if I give in now and start being just me and us again. And start this damn rollercoaster all over once again. This time I am forcing the issue to come clear out in the open. No more secrets.
Therefore I sleep on MY side of the bed. No hugs, no kisses, no physical contact. He hasn’t opened the subject. He knows. I know he knows. But we’re not talking about it yet.
The right time will come. But I still miss him. And the scary part is I may miss him lots still until this whole in my heart heals.
Bleh, life can be such a bitch.
I Have A Dream
I have a dream.
No, I’m not going to make that speech. I’m going to tell about my real dream. Right now. The one I think about before I go to sleep. That dream.
I want T to like my family. To want to spend time with them.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
T does not like the area where I grew up. He does not really fancy my parents. He thinks my brother is slow and my sister is a bitch (ok on that I do agree, but we are not talking about that now).
All he wants to do when we go on holiday. And please note at this stage that our “holidays” are all spend with HIS family. It does make sense since we hardly see our family during the year. But I have a feeling that this is where our problem started, we don’t have holidays where we have great excitement and go away and do fun stuff. No, we do family.
Granted it can be fun at times. But when you don’t see each other that often, they can be very much in your face in large doses.
So, as I said, T just wants to get to his parents house, where he grew as fast as possible when it is holiday time. He will drive straight past my parents house, literally, and continue to his parents. He wants to drive through the town, have a beer at his local pub, play with their dog and feel like he is at home with mama.
Once he’s done all that we go to our cottage at the sea. The cottage which I am starting to begrudge big time.
I did agree on buying it. Because it was his dream.
Now we have to go there, we pay enough on the bond to afford 10 overseas trips a year, but that is also not the point.
It is in a quiet area. There is really nothing happening with in 30 km. So, if you want to do stuff and see stuff other than the lounging on the beach, which I must admit I do enjoy, you have to drive. Now, we all now that drinking and driving is just silly, but how the hell can you be on holiday and not drink? So, we stay at home. Because it is our home now.
Going on holiday to the cottage is like work. I still have to cook and clean and wash. Even though I do lounge on the beach and read my book and do nothing else. Because it is your house you look after it and you do do the cleaning shit.
Anyway my dream is not about the holiday that I am bitching about. My dream is to have a partner (and hopefully this is T) who doesn’t mind doing the my parents thing. Who will chat to my dad about stuff that dad’s talk about, without getting into an argument or being Mr Knowitall, beentheredonethatgotthet-shirtassholeish.
Someone who will humor my mom when she has the last piece of toast after having had a huge breakfast and not begrudge her because “she is already so freaking overweight”. First of all you are not the skinniest person I know dude, secondly she is 60 years old FFS let her have another piece of freaking toast!!!!!
Someone who will talk to my brother about what is important to him and what he likes and have an awful brandy and coke with him around the braai. Who will kiss his children and tell them they are gorgeous while the are being brats.
Someone who will give my family the time of day and who will treat them with respect and love them for who they are as my family because you like me and you don’t have to spend months with them. A few days a year, that’s all I ask. A few days.
That’s my dream. I don’t think it is to much to ask, because that is what I do for T. And I’m still sanish and OKish, most days.
I’m neither here nor there today.
Hanging
By
A
Thread
Holding on for dear life.
I told two people I trust with my life about what T did. Both told me to kick his ass. Yea, that’s what I thought, but easier said than done, guys. The man obviously don’t appreciate me, but he’s been my life, my whole life for so long. It’s a scary thought to think that I need to go at it myself. On my own. Sol
I am still smiling my dear diary.
That is important, isn’t it?
T is keeping to himself mostly, but this morning he was a bit warmer than yesterday. Problem is he is wrong. He did wrong. To me. And I don’t think he is planning to correct it. I don’t know if he wants to. I think he’s been doing it for so long he can’t change his ways.
Question is now, do I keep on turning a blind eye? What if I do? What if I don’t? Only me can change the life I live. Do I want to? Do I even have the energy to? What if I do? What will happen to me?
God, life can be so complicated. All I want is to be happy and be surrounded by peace.
Impossible? Seems like it.
Fuck!
Dear Diary
Me again. Not in a good state this morning.
We had a really common barney last night. Luckily in the privacy of our own home. It was so nasty I cannot even reveal the details to you my dear diary.
It is embarrassing that my life has taken the turn it has.
I always thought I had more class. Seems not.
I wonder if I can get off the roller in one piece with my dignity in tact. Or at least pick it up after getting off. I just don’t know. I’m not sure if it is too late for me. But I guess I will have to try. If I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the mess I find myself right now, I will have to.
That’s me then my dear friend. Off to pick up the pieces and see what I can rescue.
Life sucks sometimes. What is important I guess is that we get up and smile at the world and sort our insides privately. Which is just what I intend to do. Immediately.
Corporate Sh!t
Today I’m here to bitch.
I hate corporate gifts. Those items companies like to print their logo’s on, give away for free thinking that we will all use the crap and promote their public images.
FFS who on earth uses those things?
I have been there clothes, pens, bottle openers (well those can be handy), lynards, bags, you name it. I don’t even do varsity tops or memorabilia no matter how sentimental.
I hate corporate uniforms. No matter how neat they company think all their little soldiers look while all dressed the same. They never fit properly. And I quiet like to lie in bed thinking about what I should wear, opposed to getting up and knowing you are going to look exactly the same as yesterday. How boring. And normally you are restricted to the accessories you wear with those to. Now I am an accessorisor. Don’t restrict me on those I may just wilt away and die completely.
So Mister who dumped a stupid bag and lynard with your bank’s logo on my desk, thank you but no thank you!
Do you think I said that to him. Never. I smiled and say thank you. The staff will be happy.
Dear Diary
Here I am again.
Still in one piece.
Hanging by a thread today.
It is cold.
And I am miserableish. I have no reason to be. Except that the damn toyboy is being silly. Anyway, better get him off my mind.
I did have a mild panic attack this morning when I started off, but am pretty much in control of things at the moment. Compliments of a lot of nicotine and caffeine. I do think I need wine.
Note to self: find someone to drink wine with soon or risk losing your marbles girl.
Got to run dear diary, life is happening at an alarming rate and I need to keep up.
Need food too. Later xoxoxox
Dear Diary, its been a while.
I’ve had a terribly self indulgent couple of weeks. It felt good at the time. In fact, it felt great. I was on top of my game.
I partied like a rock star.
Even got lucky like a rock star.
Played and goofed around.
Played some more.
I really really felt good. I could shed unhappiness and issues for a while. I could forget. Not worry about anything or anyone except me me and me.
Sometimes I think that’s what life’s about. Just you. Nobody else.
But it is not, is it Dear Diary?
It is about so much more.
If you have committed to someone, it is about them, the house, the picket fence and all the extras that come with that. They all demand attention and love and the security even just your presence provide to them. That in itself is kind of rewarding, but when you start rebelling against your picket fence lifestyle, what’s a girl to do?
By the time I finally spent a night at home the poor animals were not sure what to do. Most of them chose to just sit on top of me and make me stay a little longer. Me, I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep the sleep of a hungover, partied out socialite.
Someone told me the novelty wears off. And soon you don’t want to attend every party you get invited to. You just want to spend time in your picket fence with all the stuff you assembled around you.
I can see that happening. I understand that stuff. But I thrive on the attention and excitement a social life presents to me.
If I walk into a room and I get swamped with hugs and kisses, drinks come to me and we all party like there is no tomorrow. I absolutely dote on that. I feel so secure and at home and loved and adored.
I realise all of that happens in the heat of the moment and in the haze of alcohol consumption, which around here is really high 
. I know that when I had a problem with the car, I could not think of one person that would really make the time to help me. I did ask advice and that was plenty, but not one offered to come and sort it out for me. Granted it was not a huge, life threatening crises. I believe in those cases I will find someone to save the day. I know I had to sort it out myself. The brilliant thing is I could sort it out myself. I did not have to play the damsel in distress. Yeah for me.
That is my problem. T is not a socialite like I am. Mostly he refuses any invitation point blank. Without even considering the networking and opportunities that mixing with people presents.
Me, ha I’m right there. You have a party? Need someone to lighten the spirit? All you have to do is call me. I there.
This situation causes me to feel trapped inside my picket fence. The four walls. Between the chores and to do lists.
Completely unnecessary I believe. I am changing my attitude. They say laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and your mascara runs.
Cause the coming down from such a high of living like a rock star is not so nice either. I will get the balance restored. TODAY
I do believe that T needs to be more open to invitations, but I’m working on that.
Till next time my dear patient diary.
Be Embraced
I was told over the weekend that the town we live in embraces people.
Me, being as self-righteous as I can be were thinking, ja right you just go ahead and think that. Who needs to be embraced? Love yourself, embrace yourself, get on with it.
Then last night I go out. I am relatively new in town. Most people know each other for years, slept with each other and are now best buddies. Sounds quite bad, but I swear it is true, it’s not a big town and if you break up with someone you can not be mad at them forever.
Me, I’m an outsider. Very much so. But last night I felt embraced.
As we walked in people start greeting you. Hugs and kisses comes your way. If you are open and let them they will embrace you like you can’t believe.
I love it. I consider myself embraced. Thanks guys I feel loved.
